Who Am I?
by VictorianRose99
Summary: When the ones that are closest don't even know who you really are... Language Warning.


**A/N: I'm going to give this one more shot. The main struggle with this couple, as Diamondtime and I discussed, is really giving Kimiko a personality not like that of a swooning rock. I really don't want to give up on this couple, but I want to give them the justice due. So, here goes nothing.**

 **If I don't get any reviews, I don't know what to do, so please review!**

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Kimiko stood at the balcony of Chase's window, torn. She nearly felt erased from the whole situation. She didn't matter. After the initial joy of her confession, which to Kimiko felt really rushed, Chase began to lose his high. It had become a cycle. Now, from the beginning, Kimiko knew there would be a cycle of some sorts. Chase was changing. He was trying to leave the Heylin, which everyone, romantically involved or not, was hoping. But it had come at a _brilliant_ time. One of the most important happenings of Heylin history, the full rebirth of Mala Mala Jong. Yes, a brilliant time, indeed. Wuya (damn that whore) and Hannibal Bean had become the right hand bean and witch to him, and all three expected Chase to join the league of powerful evils. He didn't, of course. But, he still had to keep an image. He had two weeks of solitude in his month where everyone finally left him alone. Kimiko had one week of rest in her world of Xiaolin. They'd meet that week. But that was supposed to be the only cycle. Only the time period.

But now it had become sex for five and a half days and sweet talk for a day and a half before Kimiko used the Golden Tiger Claws to get home.

That was it.

Now, Kimiko had nothing against the sex. It was great. As for the quality, she had nothing to complain. Chase could drive her to absolute madness or send her drifting to absolute bliss. She was truly a lucky woman among the lucky. But for a while, the sex time was spaced and equaled up to about two or three days worth. And that was nice. But now, her visits had become a way for Chase to get off for the month until he saw Kimiko again. She felt like like a sex toy once again. Granted, a beloved toy, but a sex toy nonetheless. She was promised that would never happen. Ever. But here she was.

And the last day and a half was rushed. Chase nearly kicked her out in the sweetest way possible.

They no longer cuddled, yes the great _Chase Young_ used to cuddle. Love-making was no longer paced with caresses or sweet words. They stopped only to eat and sleep and take lavatory visits.

And no, Kimiko was not weak. She did not cry herself to sleep over it. She did not break down. She _would_ not break down.

Or, perhaps, in reality, she _could_ not break.

It was not allowed. She would stare at everything before her with pride and fake assurance that it would all be _okay_.

But it was not _okay._ Everything around her was outside of her control. Even what she should have a say in was out of her jurisdiction. She did not get to look on the two people who should have been there her whole life and tell them she was really hurt. Kimiko would not look to Nariko Yamato and Kai Tomoro and tell them that she was angry that they sent her away for whatever reason. It would be selfish. She couldn't look at Raimundo and tell him that she was hurt that her best friend, her rock, had hidden the fact from her until Omi blew it out of the water. She couldn't tell Chase that he was breaking her from the inside out and leaving her to bleed.

It was not her position.

She wasn't supposed to feel anything except enough anger to take down an opponent. Then she was to turn to stone and wait for the next breaking point.

Well, she _was_ breaking.

But, this time, she didn't know if she could be fixed.

In all the duty, all the lies and responsibilities, she had lost herself.

Most people at least had themselves.

But Kimiko Tohomiko was gone.

A shell remained as everything began to shut down.

Her senses dully recorded the sound of bare feet on the marble tile of the floor. And a voice that, _once upon a time,_ should have brought her back to life. _Once upon a time_ is for fairy tales.

"Kimiko, are you in here?"

"Yeah," she answered out of complete courtesy.

"Why so dull, lover?" he smirked, "Where's that spark I'm used to?"

His teasing used to send something through her.

Chase's brow furrowed. "Are you _ill,_ Kimiko? You know well I've several physicians in my ranks. Is that what you need?"

 _Wow_ , she thought cynically, _he almost sounds concerned..._

"Kimiko, answer me," he said sternly.

 _Oh my, demands..._

Kimiko could feel herself shake in absolute rage at the his obliviousness. **_Are you that stupid?!_**

"Kim," he chided gently, trying a different approach, "if you are chilled, come back to bed. I will be happy to warm you..." His voice became sensual at the end.

 _Stop, just stop...please!_

"Kimiko, it would do you well to at least acknowledge me. _What is wrong?"_ Chase was beginning to lose his patience.

Kimiko purposely turned away toward the window.

And Chase lost it.

"Damn it, girl, look at me...Fine! Stay out here and freeze! It's getting below freezing tonight. I'll leave you a blanket."

And Kimiko finally snapped.

"Why can't you just _understand,"_ sobbed the shell of a once proud warrior, _"What happened to me!?_ _I'm Kimiko Tohomiko! Aren't I?!_ What happened to me for fuck's sake. I'm strong. I'm not useless, am I? I'm surrounded by testosterone and I'm seen like I'm smaller and more delicate! I'm not. I can take anything this world can through at me. I've done it before! Not many people go through what I have and survive. Why am I still _weak_!? Who am I?" She walked over to her stunned and worried lover and put her nearly frozen palms upon his cheeks. "What happened to _us,_ Chase? Who am I to you? Have I become...a _pastime_?" She gulped down tears and internally choked. "My name is Kimiko. My favorite color is silver. I love to dance in the rain. My favorite stone is moonstone. My favorite month is May. I was born on October 6th, 2010, supposedly. My parents were Toshiro and Yoshiko Tohomiko. Now they're Nariko and Kai, and I love them, but...they've hurt me and I can't say it. _You've_ hurt me Chase, and I can't... _not_ say it. I love and... I don't even know if you love me anymore. It's nothing but sex and goodbyes now and I feel like you're just trying to get your fill, and..."

Kimiko knelt down and continued to wordlessly sob as Chase surrounded her with his arms and just waited as his stomach knotted and twisted painfully.

He never meant to hurt her. Ever.

 _I should have realized, damn it...How could I allow myself to do this to her?! I should have...I could have saved her from this. Why didn't I?_

"...Chase?" she whispered brokenly.

"Yes, Kimiko?"

"Who am I? I don't think I know anymore..."

Chase picked her up bridal style and carried her back to bed. She was beginning to look blue.

As he curled himself into the blankets softly and answered, "Yes, you do. You are hurt, broken might be a better word, even. But, nonetheless, you know exactly who you are. You need to rest. Clear your mind. No matter how long it takes, woman, I will be hear when you are ready."

"You'll stay?"

"...I have treated you like dirt, lately, haven't I? Yes, I promise. I will be here."

"Thank you," she whispered as she curled close to him.

"Am I useless, breakable?"

Chase froze for a moment at the thought of Kimiko being anywhere close to such a thing.

And he laughed and cackled and snorted and snickered.

Kimiko's eyes widened, questioning her lover's sanity.

"Kimiko, if you're useless or breakable, then I am a mere kitten. You really do need to rest. I suggest you do so."

Kimiko sighed, realizing that people did see her as strong and smiled.

Maybe a little shut-eye would do her well after all.

"G'night," she yawned.

"Sleep well, love."

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 **A/N: So, yeah. I, too, would have a mental snap if I were left in Kimiko's position.**

 **Kimiko was never really given a personality in the series, and though I love this pairing, it's notorious for making it even worse. I don't see her swooning or anything like that.**

 **She is a strong person and deserves to be seen that way in any pairing she is in!**

 **Review. If this doesn't turn out well, I'm taking a long break from Chamiko. So, I need to know.**


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